MKSG - The Mortal Kombat Survival Guide
by Survival-Game
Summary: Welcome to the MKSG, the go-to place for survival hints within the Mortal Kombat tournaments, written by an unknown kombatant known only as "Survival Game". Learn the obvious and just how to deal with stuff you already knew how to deal with! The MKSG teaches you 5 useless tips for each kombatant, just for you! Feed your curiosity and come take a look! Rated T for slight language.
1. Hellish Kombatants - Scorpion

Welcome to the MKSG - Mortal Kombat Survival Guide

This guide, written by a very experienced kombatant known only as "Survival Game" is a not-so-helpful guide on how to survive against other participants of the Mortal Kombat tournaments. Have fun reading the obvious with this first chapter, detailing how to deal with Scorpion!

* * *

Welcome to Hell! Here we have lava, lava and molten rock. Enjoy! We also have corrupted souls, horrific oni, demons with rotting skin, and a super-angry ninja spectre with a thing about the colour yellow, but those are things we keep out of our travel brochures. Since you're here, or at least since you're reading the "Hellish Kombatants" section of the survival guide, I might as well give you some hints. Whilst I can't give you hints about the oni or the other monstrously monstrous monsters, I can help you deal with the yellow-clad ninja should he want to melt your head like cheese on toast.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Scorpion, vengeful ninja of the Netherrealm.

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Shirai Ryu sorrow? "Yo momma" jokes are to be avoided._

One very important thing about Scorpion is that he is not unlike Batman in some respects. He wears a batsuit, fights for justice and his parents are dead. Well, actually, only one of those fit both of them, but you wouldn't make a "Yo momma" joke to Batman (not if you wanted to keep your teeth anyway), so don't do it to Scorpion. Point is, when talking to Scorpion and looking for a smartass thing to say, Imagine talking to Batman and rethink based on that. Also, Scorpion's entire family was murdered. So yeah.

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Ninja rivalry? Don't be Sub-Zero._

Some people think the question is Red vs. Blue, but in this case, they're wrong. Yellow is the new red, and swearing vengeance is the new dislike button. Long story short, if you're Sub-Zero, you shouldn't be reading this because you already know it. If you're not Sub-Zero, you shouldn't be reading this because it doesn't apply to you. Why are you reading this? Because you can. You know what else you can do? Read more chapters. Just saying.

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _A kunai? Scorpion's rope weapon._

He likes to call it a spear, but no. It's really not a spear. It's a sharp, pointy thing on a rope. And what did you learn about sharp, pointy things as a kid? They're not toys and you shouldn't run with them, but Scorpion is a rebel and doesn't give a sh*t about your opinion. He'll run with that all day long, just for a chance to throw it at you and ruin your day. It hurts enough to have a kunai lodged in your chest, but normally he tugs at it and drags you towards him so he can ruin your day even more. If he doesn't do that, he'll probably send flames down it and scorch you. And if he doesn't just do that, he'll obliterate your entire upper body leaving just a bloody skeleton. He's a mean dude. Anyways, just don't get hit with that. It's bad.

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _A resident of Hell? Scorpion can get backup._

If you couldn't already tell by the fact that Kurtis Stryker and Jackson Briggs are allowed guns in a fight, and that Shang Tsung can steal parts of your soul mid-combat, and that Noob and Smoke can tag-team, and that the Shokan have 4 arms but can participate in fights with normal people (and many, many more issues besides), the rules in a Mortal Kombat fight are a little blurry. Scorpion isn't the first person to abuse this, and he most likely won't be the last. Scorpion can bring his little hellish buddies from the Netherrealm and into the fight, for a cheeky divekick or an immobilising grab. When you're fighting Scorpion, Scorpion isn't your only problem. Just saying. Be careful.

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _Ghost Rider? Scorpion's real face._

A mask is used to mask someone's appearance. It's what ninjas do. Reptile does it well, and so does Scorpion. Unbeknownst to some, Scorpion's real face isn't a normal one. It's a flaming freaking skull that can breathe fire. Spooky. Without his mask, Scorpion can unleash even more fiery potential, including a mega-sneeze that can and will burn all of your skin and flesh off, or make you explode. He'll also look way cooler than you, which is always a bad thing.

And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Scorpion. Thus ends this chapter of the "Hellish Kombatants" section of the survival guide.

* * *

The next chapter is already underway on the obvious choice of Sub-Zero. But besides that, feel free to suggest another kombatant for a survival page!

Contribute to the MKSG in a wonderful way by suggesting a kharacter! Thank you for reading!


	2. Earthrealm Warriors - Sub-Zero

Welcome to the MKSG - Mortal Kombat Survival Guide

This second chapter, centered around Sub-Zero will show you the Lin Kuei ways and what to be wary of when fighting the icy ninja. Read on and enjoy! Also remember that I can't tell if you like it without feedback!

* * *

The Lin Kuei Temple is quite the remarkable place. Believe it or not, it isn't home to the Shirai Ryu, White Lotus or the Black Dragon Clan. Surprisingly enough, it's home to the Lin Kuei! Who would have thought? The temple is surrounded by snow and ice, and isn't that cozy, but the Lin Kuei like it so I won't judge. The leader of this cool clan is Sub-Zero, who may or may not be evil, a robot, dead or a dead robot by the time you read this. Regardless, it'd still be nice to have some hints for dealing with whoever takes the title of Sub-Zero.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Sub-Zero, icy warrior of Earthrealm.

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Slippery when frozen? Don't lose your footing._

Good ol' Subby-Wubby is a slippery devil, and he isn't afraid to make the ground just as slippery, regardless of if he's fighting in Shang Tsung's crib or Shao Kahn's coliseum. He can freeze the ground in front of him and make you look like a fool, leaving you open to a quick kombo or an uppercut, which is just embarrassing. "Don't slip and you won't fail" doesn't sound so hard, but everyone slips. Except me, the writer of this survival guide, because I'm just so good at kombat that I bend the rules. This is why I've been to all the realms and fought all the kombatants and know how to deal with them. Unfortunately, you are not me, and therefore you still have to worry about this stuff. So for your own safety, I suggest you keep reading more chapters. I'm so nice. Anyway, back on topic, Sub-Zero's ground freeze is scary, and sometimes he freezes your legs with it, in which case you're pretty screwed. Sorry.

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Statuesque? Sub-Zero's Ice Klone._

Some people are really good at carving ice statues. Some people keep portraits of themselves. Some people make ice statues of themselves, but Sub-Zero not only has the ego to make an ice statue of himself, but he cheats too. Sub-Zero makes an ice klone of himself in a split second and hops back so he can admire his handiwork and put it on a little pedestal for all to see in the temple. That's when he's not in a fight, anyway. When he's in a fight he uses some of that super-special Lin Kuei magic to freeze whoever touches the klone, which can be pretty embarrassing. He's good at embarrassing people, and that's why he's amazing at drunken stag dos but horrible at cosplay conventions or public toilets. His ice klone is one of the most annoying of his moves, hence why I'll never go to a hall of mirrors with him ever again.

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _Crouching ninja, hidden dragon? Sub-Zero's martial arts._

Everybody pretended to be an animal at least once in their lives. I, for one, loved pretending to be a fox by pushing my neighbor's bins over and crapping in his garden, but that was mostly because I didn't like him. Anyway, Sub-Zero also loves pretending and always wanted to be a dragon, hence his dangerous fighting style of claw attacks and palm strikes. Even in death (and resurrection) he wears black and pretends to be a monkey. It would almost be cute if he wasn't trying to kill you. It's a shame, really. Just remember, whenever someone says they pretend to be an animal, they may or may not be a fighter in a Mortal Kombat tournament.

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _Cold steel? An icy arsenal._

Weapons are not forbidden in Mortal Kombat. The use of special abilities and powers are not forbidden either. So at one point, Sub-Zero was like "Let's combine both of them and save on having to carry a sword!" So he did. And now he utilizes a Kori Blade, a flash-frozen blade of ice strong enough to slash and stab like a real sword. He can also form daggers, icicles or any number of different weapons to gouge, bludgeon and slice his way to victory. He can flash-freeze the air around him to create almost anything, so if he wanted to he could humiliate you so bad, but normally he just kills you.

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _A brother like none other? Sub-Zero's family legacy._

So you've used these awesome hints and defeated Sub-Zero and finished him. Congratulations! Now you only have the entirety of the Lin Kuei, the new Sub-Zero (there WILL be a new one) and a resurrected version of the aforementioned Sub-Zero trying to kill you. Suddenly, killing him brings on a lifetime of regret. Oops. So, since you don't really win even if you win the match, it might be a good idea to just not fight him. You'll live longer.

And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Sub-Zero. Thus ends this chapter of the "Earthrealm Warriors" section of the survival guide.

* * *

Don't forget about giving feedback! Good or bad, for better or worse, til death do me and my survival guide part, I would love some feedback. Also, feel free to suggest a kharacter for a survival page! Never be afraid to kontribute!


	3. Earthrealm Warriors - Liu Kang

Welcome to the MKSG - Mortal Kombat Survival Guide

Rounding off our first 3 entries is the champion of Mortal Kombat himself, Liu Kang. Kick and lunch your way to maybe surviving the fight with these ever-so-helpful hints! Enjoy, and don't forget to give feedback! I do love some sweet, sweet feedback.

* * *

The Shaolin Temple is a peaceful place, except for when people are kicking the crap out of each other, in the same way the shaolin monks are pacifists except for when they're mercilessly trying to kill you and the lion statues are totally for decoration except for when they're breathing flames and scorching people alive. My point is, things are not always as they seem, or at least, there will be some things you don't expect. Liu Kang looks like a martial arts guy with flying kicks and krazy kombat skills, and he is. But you don't necessarily expect him to shoot fire from his hands and transform into a dragon to eat your upper body. He's also the champion of Mortal Kombat, so if you want to have a go, you gotta be hard enough. Are you a bad enough dude to take on Liu Kang? Hopefully, with the help of this guide, you'll at least know what you're gonna have your ass kicked by.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Liu Kang, champion of Mortal Kombat.

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Kung-fu beats gravity? Liu Kang's bicycle kick._

Liu Kang is a martial arts dude, so of course he kicks like a mule. A kung-fu mule. With shaolin training. And a headband. Anyways, Liu Kang's kicks are not only incredibly painful, they're also gravity defying. Of course you have his flying kick, maybe with enough force you could fly as far as he does, but the bicycle kick is a whole different story. The guy hovers above the ground and kicks his legs like a child trying to swim for the first time to assault your face with his feet, and before you know what happened, he's already rode your face like he would a pedalo. But not in a gay way. I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing that way. Sorry, Liu Kang/Kung Lao shippers. Your stories will likely forever remain fiction.

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Enter the dragon? Liu Kang's transformation._

So by now, surely you know of Liu Kang's rather strange ability to transform into a dragon. You should know, because I already mentioned it at the start of the chapter, keep up. Anyways, this beast isn't something you want to see, because if you do, you're probably already dead. Unless you're just watching, you sadistic motherfu**er. Kang can breathe fire, swing you around like a dog with a chew toy or just go om-nom-nom on some fresh kombatant with a side order of fries and ketchup. Just kidding, dragons can't buy fries because they don't have pockets to keep their wallets in. And if that isn't the stupidest sentence you've read all day, I don't know what you read but it's either harmful to your health or just really fu**king funny. Either way, it isn't this survival guide so it obviously isn't the best thing you could be reading. Right? RIGHT!?

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _Ignition, immolation, incineration? Kang's fire._

At this point I'm just pointing out the obvious, but that's basically what I've been doing the whole way through. "Keep reading for more stuff you already knew" isn't the best sales pitch, but of course it works for this guide because I'm just so damn charming. And yes, I do hate myself for being such a douchebag. I promise I'm not this much of an a**hole in real life. Anyways, Kang's fire. It's bad, it burns and it's fire. If you ever burnt yourself playing with fire like I did because I was 8 and a dumbass, then you know not to let Kang burn you alive. Not that it matters when the announcer says "FINISH HIM!" and you're the one standing helpless, but I'll tell you anyway because I'm nice like that. Happy burning!

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _Two-player? The arcade machine._

Consider the fourth wall shattered. Liu Kang doesn't give a crap about physics or what makes sense, he's still gonna drop an arcade machine on your head. Maybe it's just a kind of weather, and Liu Kang is just Rain in disguise. "And now, the weather. It's going to be raining blood above Shao Kahn's coliseum, there is some drizzle over at the sky temple as always, and an arcade machine was spotted several hundred feet in the air, meteorologists have calculated that it will land around the subway area. It is unknown whether it will land on the street above it in the subway. And now sports with Jackson Briggs." Anyways, this thing is one mean machine, and can either krush you in a huge explosion of blood, or just break your entire ribcage and leave you squirming in pain. Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse, so just try to avoid it at all costs.

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _Kill you once, shame on me? Death is never permanent._

Murder is illegal, sure, but that law doesn't count in the Mortal Kombat tournaments. Another law that doesn't count is the law of "If you're dead, you stop living". Living in the Netherrealm is common, and resurrections aplenty. Scorpion didn't die after he died, and Liu Kang won't either. Be it zombification, becoming a revenant, whatever, he can and will come back. How do I know this? When am I writing this? These are secrets never to be told. Regardless, kill Liu Kang, and you've done nothing but dig an insanely big hole for yourself. Too big for anyone to fetch you out of. Deeper than one of those motivational pictures you see on the internet that people try to take seriously before people ask stuff like "why does that tree have a face?" or "y does da earth luk sad". And just like the consequences of pollution, the trouble you'll get into for killing Liu Kang is near irreversible. Long story short, just like Sub-Zero, you don't really want to fight Kang, since either result is really gonna suck for you.

And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Liu Kang. Thus ends this chapter of the "Earthrealm Warriors" section of the survival guide.

* * *

Chapter 3 done! Consider yourself maybe slightly more ready to deal with Kang! Probably not, you'd almost definitely die. But don't do that,I need you here. I love you guys, so don't die. Until next time, have a good one!


	4. Hellish Kombatants - Noob Saibot

Chapter 4, marking the first survival page based on a kombatant who was suggested by a reader! Suggested by IcedFireFrenzy, Noob Saibot! Please be aware that I do take notes of all suggested kombatants, and do them in the order I see them, however, in the interests of fairness, if more than one kombatant is suggested by the same person, I will change the order slightly to allow room for other peoples' suggestions. At the end of the chapter I will reveal the current list of suggested kombatants and the order I will do them in, although this could possibly change.

On a seperate note, I have renamed the "Hellish Creatures" section and changed it to the "Hellish Kombatants" section. Though it makes little difference, I found it still worth doing.

Enough of the notifications, enjoy the chapter!

* * *

When you think about it, Hell isn't such a nice place, and while that may be the understatement of the century, it only makes it harder to understand why anyone would want to rule such a crappy place. Noob Saibot is a resident of Hell, and wouldn't mind claiming the uncomfortably hot throne of the Netherrealm. The strange bit about Noob is his wardrobe. If you're gonna rule Hell, you really don't want to do it while wearing black, or you'll be sweating like a pig in a butcher shop, and that isn't exactly what the ruler of an entire realm would like to do. But who am I to judge? I only went down there for a couple minutes out of curiosity and got bored of all the orange and black. I went a little further and guess what I saw? More freakin' orange and black. It sucked, and I decided that I sure as hell wouldn't want to rule it. The place is a sh*thole. I think I've talked enough smack about the netherrealm now though, I'm beginning to bore myself. So yeah, Noob Saibot.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Noob Saibot, corrupted being of the Netherrealm.

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Portal Kombat? Noob's Black Holes._

There comes a point in everyone's life where they think "Wow, I really don't like that guy. I wish I could just make a portal under his feet and have him appear above me so I can smack him around like a little b*tch. My little b*tch.". Don't lie, you know you've thought that. Unless you haven't, in which case, I'd like to congratulate you on being more normal than me. But then, everyone's more normal than me because no one else begs for people to read his chapters or asks for feedback as persistently or annoyingly as I do. They also don't get knocked off track as easy as I just did. So, back on track, Noob's Black Hole is a real pain in the neck, especially when he has you land on your head, which causes a fair amount of pain in the neck. Whichever way up you appear from the portal, you're open to uppercuts, shadow attacks (we'll talk about those soon) and kombos worthy of a "Wow, you're an a**hole". Especially when HE KEEPS SPAMMING THE F**KING THING LYK A N00B!1! It doesn't even hit most of the time, it's just annoying. Just like tag-teaming in what should be a 1-on-1 fight...

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Tag-teaming in what should be a 1-on-1 fight? Noob's strange idea of fairness._

Noob is a cheating a**hole. As much as it seems like I'm really ripping on the guy, I kinda like him. I just wish he wasn't such a douche with his fighting tactics. But alas, the broken rules of Mortal Kombat reveal yet another flaw in the tournament, 2-on-1 fights. Partnered with his dearest buddy Smoke, the pair of monochrome ninjas display their abilities in sync with one another to form quite the deadly alliance. I prefer this deadly alliance to a certain other one, but that other one may or may not have killed Liu Kang, which automatically makes Noob-Smoke more likeable in my obviously correct opinion. And no, i don't mean that, everyone has an opinion. Except you, Hsu Hao. Regardless, two heads are always better than one, making Noob-Smoke pretty freakin' dangerous. Unless you're some kind of deformed, horrific experiment that Shang Tsung has created leaving you with two heads stacked on top of one another like jenga blocks. On second thought, that wouldn't help at all, so I'll just say "they're dangerous" and leave it at that.

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _Kage bunshin no jutsu? Saibot shadow strikes._

Yes, that was a Naruto reference, and no, I feel no shame. Noob's BFF, Saibot, is capable of helping a brother out in case of wanting to do some long-range damage. Yes, it's unfair, and no, the rules don't restrict his usage of it. But considering that he can't throw damaging fireballs, ice balls or acid balls, it's only fair that he gets to lob his other half at you in a desperate effort to match the projectiles that everyone else who has ever entered the tournament has had at one point. No, really, everyone. Except Mavado, the dope. Saibot's attacks can come in the form of a slide, a rising knee or a tackle, depending on how he feels like spamming today. His spam game is almost strong enough to taste, only the spam has been left out for a couple years and tastes like donkey ass. Ass ass, if you will.

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _Who ya gonna call? Noob's Ghost Ball._

On the topic of projectiles, here is Noob's. The ghost ball doesn't sting at all, but it does stop you from raising your arms in front of yourself in any way that could resemble blocking. How does that work? Wibbly-wobbly magic, and that's all there is to it. While it is pretty dumb that you can block the thing that stops you blocking, it's still a bummer if you get hit, and with a little extra effort and some more wibbly-wobbly magic, he can make you confused, just like in pokémon. Only, you don't b*tch slap yourself "accidentally" or "accidentally" throw yourself to the ground like a sack of crap. (There is an emo joke I could make about using Cut on yourself, but I won't because most of the time, emos are genuinely nice people, contrary to what most people think and don't deserve such dumb jokes.) Noob's ghost ball just leaves you confused in the sense that you'll just wander back and forth like you're doing your weekly shopping, only forwards is running the fudge away and back is basically getting within kissing distance of Noob without meaning to, only to receive a Glasgow kiss to your face. (That's a headbutt, by the way.) Regardless, the ghost ball won't hurt, but it probably will, despite not hurting. Confused? You will be.

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _Up top, down low? The teleport slam._

You may have watched wrestling in your life and watched as one guy grabbed another guy and dropped that guy on his head via piledriver. Or, you may have played Dead Or Alive or Ninja Gaiden and observed Ryu Hayabusa perform the Izuna Drop with varying effects, from high damage to decorating the floor with his former enemies' brain meat. (Ryu Hayabusa for MK11 guest character?) Regardless, Noob does something vaguely similar, only way more annoying. Noob's teleport slam involves him launching himself into a portal and reappearing behind you to give you a cute little hug before slamming you mercilessly against the ground. Not only is this really, really frustrating when you already have a headache and already puked in the same fight, but he can pretend like he's playing Portal, using portals (obvs~) to gain momentum like in Portal when you used portals (obvs~) to get momentum so you can inevitably kill yourself "accidentally". Wow, this survival page has gotten weird. ANYWAY back on track, the teleport slam, also used by Reiko, which was just as annoying, is bad. Yet another amazing tip from moi. You're welcome.

 _ **BONUS - Number 6:**_

 _Shuriken jutsu? A ninja's most disposable weapon._

Another Naruto reference? Yup. Bi-Han, the guy who said "I am not a ninja. Scorpion was a ninja." now uses shuriken. Who else typically uses shuriken? Ninjas. Might wanna re-think your logic, buddy. Be it Hara-Kiri or using them on something other than his own face, Noob is pretty skilled with shuriken, skilled enough to kill you using shuriken alone, a feat that Ryu Hayabusa would have some difficulty doing. Among all of his weapons, from the scythe to the trollolol hammer, the shuriken are the ones he has had for the longest time, and about the only ones worth keeping. As kool as a scythe is, it's not that much use up close, and the trollolol hammer just makes him look like more of a noob. Shuriken are cool though, because ninjas are cool. And noob is cool, because he is a ninja whether he likes it or not. Odd that the one who wore blue and black would claim not to be a ninja, and says that the one who wears bright yellow and sticks out like a sore thumb is. Whatever Bi-Han got for all his birthdays up until that point, it wasn't common sense.

And there you have it. 5 (+1) tips for dealing with Noob Saibot. Thus ends this chapter of the "Hellish Kombatants" section of the survival guide.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and the bonus hint! I was thinking about adding a seventh point about vomiting, but there wasn't much to that point. Anyways, here is the list of kombatants suggested and the order in which they will be done! This list is based on two suggestions, three characters each. Kung Lao, Kitana and Raiden were one set, requested by a guest, and the Cage family were requested by Kynthia Olympia. Thank you both! Since I could not remember which suggestions I saw first, I used a coin flip to determine which set went first, and alternated between the two sets. Here is the list:

Kung Lao

Johnny Cage

Kitana

Sonya Blade

Raiden

Cassie Cage

I hope you can wait to see the ones you want, and I hope you're still enjoying the guide! Until next time!


	5. Earthrealm Warriors - Johnny Cage

Ok, first off, I need to apologize for being so late. It's been a week and I'm only posting one now, and for that, I'm sorry. Regardless, here is chapter 5, based on Johnny Cage and suggested by KynthiaOlympia and pushed forward by NaruHinaLuvr. Kung Lao is next, swapping places with Cage. Hope you enjoy the chapter people~

* * *

Hollywood is the birthplace of many wonderful legends, from childhood stories to films capturing the mature audiences with gore and super-cool action. An annoyingly great kontributor to the latter is Johnny Cage, the man everyone loves to hate and also loves to punch. Despite the fact that kicking the crap out of him is just so damn tempting, you can't help but love Johnny. From _24 Karate Gold_ to _Exiting the Dragon of Death,_ all the way to _HWAAAAA!_ and _The Gist of my Fist_ , (not in any particular order) Johnny Cage has flip kicked, shadow kicked and split punched his way into our hearts. One of my favourite kombatants, he was originally going to come right after Liu Kang and take the spot of Chapter 4, followed by Kano, Sonya and Raiden, rounding off the 7 notable kombatants of the Mortal Kombat tournament in which Liu Kang made Shang Tsung eat sh*t for the first time. But back to Cage. This killer of manhoods is quite the warrior, using fantastic green magic goop to seal the deal and claim victory on multiple occasions. Also, he's basically an alternate universe Jean-Claude Van Damme, which automatically makes him awesome. Oh, wait, you're reading this for hints on how to beat the living daylights out of him... oops.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Johnny Cage, movie star of Earthrealm.

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Busting your balls? The infamous nut punch._

In movies, games, or any kind of media, you may see someone being interrogated, forcing them to spill the location of their boss and his huge shipment of unreleased Ninja Mime DVDs and Cage action figures. (Cage was quite the egotist when he wrote the script for _Massive Strike._ ) Using some persuasion, usually involving swirlies or vicious threats, the interrogatee(?) would say something like "I ain't tellin' you nuthin' cop!" Or "Stahp busten' mah balls man!" in a dopey, typical goon kinda voice. Only thing is, if you fight Cage, you'll probably be saying the latter regardless of whether he's interrogating you. Because he WILL be busting your balls. While I do hope you weren't looking forward to having any children in the near future, I would recommend not fighting Cage if you are a guy. For all you girls, you're quite lucky Cage is often more disciplined than to use his split punch on you, and is more likely to just shadow kick you in the face. You win some, you lose some, I suppose.

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Shadow-ryuken? Cage's shadow uppercut._

Cage isn't exactly Ken from Street Fighter, but he can uppercut just as hard. From shoryukens to shadow uppercuts, pointless jumping to go with your uppercuts always seems to make it more epic and make it gain more meter... whatever that means. The shadow uppercut is like an insult - the easiest thing to give and the hardest thing to take. An elbow strike as standard stings like a b*tch, but with the strength of the average kombatant being forced into your face upwards and moving your nose a few inches up your face would sting like... something that stings more than a b*tch does. Point being, when you're on the ground crying your little eyes out, don't even bother making excuses because everyone will know what happened when your nose is on the floor instead of on your face. Everybody will know... that you got Caged.

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _Rainbow strikes? Cage's Colourful Kombos._

While this is something that only caught my eye whilst I was writing this, it's still something worth mentioning. Kinda. Cage is a man of many colours, wearing blue striped pants, using green energy to kick you around like a sack of sh*t, red energy to show that he really does think you're worth about as much as a sack of sh*t and yellow energy for when he just doesn't feel like you're worth the time that could be spent filming more scenes for _Who's That!?_ and would rather get his best bud to break your face. Not that all these colours matter, mind you. Cage might be colour coordinated with his attacks, but you won't be with all the red that will inevitably discolour your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle. (That was a reference, everybody.)

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _Eating your greens? Green forceballs._

Depending on your age, "eating your greens" can mean different things. People older than 12 will understand that eating your greens actually refers to vegetables, as opposed to referring to bogeys, as smaller children would have you believe. But whatever you call "eating your greens", the meaning is changed if you fight Johnny Cage. Throughout the match, you may hear noises like MNNEEEOUUUW or FWWIIAAAOOO (You try typing up weird noises, it's kinda hard...) as a great big green ball of energy zooms through the air to smack you right in the kisser. Pow, right in the kisser. Pow, right in the kisser. Pow, right in the kisser. (Another reference, ladies and gentlemen.) Imagine being hit with a huge ball of energy, but it's being thrown by Johnny Cage and soaring through the air to break your nose. Oh wait, that's exactly what'll happen. And it'll hurt. A LOT.

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _FURIPPUKIKKU? Cage's flashy kicks._

And so, we round off Johnny Cage's signature abilities with the most extravagant of them all, a pair of kicking moves which really make it obvious just how much of a showoff Johnny Cage is. First off is the flip kick, the move that everyone wants to hit but no one wants to be hit by. Personally, I can't do a backflip, but I would love to be able to because it looks hella cool. But Cage doesn't stop at doing a backflip. Cage kicks you so hard in the jaw while he does it with enough force to send you flying into the air, probably bleeding profusely the whole time. Yes, it'll hurt, but now you get to say you were flip kicked by Johnny Cage! How sweet is that? Not very is the answer, since he does it to everyone. Hence why the paparazzi tend to avoid him now. Before I get taken off track again, let's move on to the next kick. The shadow kick. This iconic beauty kicks so much ass (and face, and chest, and gut, and any part of your body that it happens to hit.) and it's the kind of move that when you're done rolling around at the speed of sound (last reference, I promise) (there's been a lot of brackets in this chapter...) (How strange.) you yourself will be saying "I got Caged.". It'll hurt your pride, but hell, that won't be the only thing hurting. Cage will slide across the ground like he was hit by Sub-Zero's ice puddle, but he'll do it with the force of a bulldozer and the speed of a particular blue hedgehog, which is a deadly enough mix for you to definitely reconsider who you're picking a fight with. Case and point? Fight Cage, get rekt.

And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Johnny Cage. Thus ends this chapter of the "Earthrealm Warriors" section of the survival guide.

* * *

And now, I would like to tell you guys that instead of adding a list of my next chapters at the end of this one, I'll be keeping a list of suggestions and the order I'm doing them in on my profile. That way, I can update it more regularly and it just makes things easier. I would also like to thank you all for supporting me so far and sticking with this kinda-useless-but-hopefully-enjoyable guide. Anyways, until next time, have a good one.


	6. BONUS - Meat

What's this? A bonus chapter that no one asked for or would ever want on a stupid character that no one ever cared for? Coming right up! Survival Game's choice of bonus character is... Meat! And yes, I do understand that no one would ever want this chapter, and no, this character choice isn't supposed to be good. The idea was to do a character that no one would ever suggest, so here we are! Chapter 5 and a half, Meat! Can't do much of an introduction, so, uhm... Let's start the show!

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Don't lose your head! Meat's Head Roll._

Mortal Kombat tournaments have blood, gore and decapitations aplenty, so why not have all of that stuff in a really dumb and impractical move? Meat takes his own head off, and rolls it at you at a speed that can only be described as "decent for a rolling head". Despite being an amazing opportunity to practice your football/soccer skills, this is an incredibly dangerous move, and can cause death in some circumstances. DEATH. This move may be the best attack ever performed in a Mortal Kombat tournament, and no, I wasn't paid to totally lie to you. I'm just lying because I can. It's a really crappy attack, so no worries.

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Rolling your eyes! Health recovery._

So, you thought everyone else broke physics pretty bad, huh? Well, hahaha... you're right. Not much physics is broken, but Meat does pull his eye and let it ricochet back into place to restore some life, not that it makes a difference, since if you're smart, you'll have ran up to him and kicked his bony ass back to the flesh pits before he can do any more creepy sh*t. I know I did. Multiple times. This move is basically just a really dumb taunt, which is the fighting tournament equivalent of saying "hey, I'm overly cocky and deserve to lose all of my teeth to a well placed roundhouse kick RIGHT NOW.". Like any taunt, this is super dumb, and easy to take advantage of. So feel free to break a leg! Both of them! Meat won't need them, because no one needs Meat.

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _Slippery when bloody! Meat's Slide attack._

Well, this is off to a wonderful start. Two points in and they're both just me telling you how sh**ty Meat is in a fight. Well that ends now! Here is the first (and probably only) good move! Despite being ripped straight from Sub-Zero and Reptile, this move is pretty good! A quick slide, sweeping you off your feet and on your ass, this blood-soaked beauty can duck projectiles and do the same thing you've already seen done by two different people years ago! Wonderful! Only, it isn't as good as their slides. And down we go again.

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _Tombstone Teleport! Meat's teleportation technique._

We've all seen those epic fail videos on Youtube, right? Faceplant upon faceplant, failure upon failure, somehow making us laugh at their undeniable pain. Meat faceplants when he teleports, but the best bit is lost straight away. It's not funny! How much does that suck!? A lot, right? Yeah! He just falls forwards and reappears on the other side of you. Laaaaaaaaame. But then, being lame is kinda Meat's forté unfortunately. Just kill him and be done with it, you don't need a survival guide for that...

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _Slice and dice! Meat's Meat cleavers._

So, Meat's moves suck, he looks like sh*t, there's gotta be one redeeming feature, right? Well, there is. Kinda. Meat's Cleavers. These bad boys are ready to hack, slash and gut their way to victory! From GTA: Vice City to the hands of Meat, you'd be wise to steer clear of these things. They are sharp and pointy after all. There is one thing you must remember, however... if your skin makes contact with that cleaver, you're making contact with every animal, human being or disease ridden bug that cleaver has ever made contact with... Point being, when you're done tearing Meat apart, don't forget to wash your hands.

There ya go. A nice short chapter on a guy I dislike with a passion. You're welcome!


	7. Earthrealm Warriors - Kung Lao

So, here we are. The real chapter 6, which for convenience, we're gonna call chapter 7. Actually, no. It's chapter 7, and that's final. Anyways, here's a chapter based on Kung Lao, suggested by a guest... I would love to give credit, buuuut... guests are nameless... anyways, Sir/Madam, you know who you are, and thank you. But anyway, enjoy the chapter!

* * *

The shaolin temple is a confusing place. I mentioned this back in the Liu Kang chapter, but there was one point I missed. They're all "we love peace and killing is bad or whatever", but they seem to forget that they have a freaking armory full of sharp nasty slicey things that are, without a doubt, deadly. Killing is bad, my ass. And to top it off, then they let Kung Lao waltz in with a bladed hat and they're cool with it, even though that thing has killed dogs. DOGS. That's right, Kung Lao is a dog killer. Do you hate him yet? Well don't, he's kind of a cool guy sometimes, even though I could actually make a list of times he's not cool. Y'know what? That's what I'll do. _**A)**_ _He never gets dizzy or loses his sense of direction, so it's impossible to win a game of pin the tail on the donkey with him._ _ **B)**_ _Piñatas don't stand a chance, because while you're flailing with your stick, he'll just slice the poor thing open and steal your candy._ _ **C)**_ _He has a super-cool hat which will inevitably make you jealous and that sucks._ _ **D)**_ _Did you ever play that game Divekick? Yeah, don't even try. You'll lose._ _ **E)**_ _My list of reasons he isn't cool is going to take up way too much space on this pre-hints section, and that itself is a reason why he isn't cool._ I could say so much more, but I really need to start with the hints before I get carried away AGAIN.

Here are five top tips to get you started on fighting Kung Lao, shaolin warrior of Earthrealm.

 _ **Number 1:**_

 _Isn't it obvious? The hat throw._

Did you ever see Oddjob in one of those James Bond movies by Johnny Cage like _Goldthumb_ and _The man with the golden shower_ where Cage plays a spy who switches from woman to woman every movie and doesn't seem to feel anything for any of them? (Yes, that is the reality of the Bond movies.) Well, Kung Lao is like Oddjob in almost every category, like the fact that they are human, have two arms and legs, two eyes and ears, and a razor sharp hat. The only differences are that Oddjob looks totally different to Kung Lao, is considerably shorter, and not many people had rules against playing as Kung Lao in multiplayer like they did with Oddjob in GoldenEye 007. Anyways, back to the razor sharp hat, Kung Lao can throw his hat straight at you with varying effects, which can range from a severe headache to no longer having a head full stop. Needless to say, this is to be avoided, but there are some things that you can't avoid, like the passive effects Kung Lao gets for having the hat, such as having +10 Charisma and +200% Coolness rating, and the special ability "Awesomeness" which allows him to roll a dice and times the result by 69, and lower your Self-Esteem rating by that amount. It also gives his opponent a +15% chance of automatic Hara-Kiri due to the power of the hat overpowering his opponents will to live due to it being so freakin' awesome. Anyways, the hat is, and will always be the best thing about Kung Lao, and the sweetest looking weapon that I wish I had.

 _ **Number 2:**_

 _Airborne Assault? Kung Lao's aerial capabilities._

The ground is for WEAKLINGS. Yeah, I said it. Anyone who has ever walked on the ground, touched the ground with their hand, been grounded, liked a ground type pokémon, stood their ground or has ever used a ground pound are just massive WEAKLINGS. Of course, WEAKLINGS stands for "We're Entertained As Kung Lao Is Neutering Goons Swiftly". These people could also be referred to as members of the ANUSES: Association of Nutcases Unified by Sadism in Everyday Situations. Regardless of what you self identify as, Kung Lao will still deliver a smoking hot kick from the air to the ANUS without mercy. Mostly because he is a shaolin monk and therefore opposed to sadism or ANUSES. And yes, all of that was grammatically correct. Anyway, Kung Lao can divekick you to death using the ancient shaolin art of "F**k physics, I'm Kung Lao.". He utilizes this art in his other technique too, the whirlwind kick, wherein he does the same thing three times, levitating in the air in an impossible way which leads me to believe he is definitely maybe Jesus probably. This answers the age old question, What Would Jesus Do? The answer is, repeatedly kick the ANUS in the face. And without further ado, I would like to announce that sentence as the best one I've ever written in my life. Congratulations to me.

 _ **Number 3:**_

 _Turning around at the speed of sound? The Spin._

Bo' Rai Cho is the best at puking, right? And Kung Lao is the best at spinning... so how the hell does Bo' Rai Cho puke without spinning and Kung Lao spin without puking? Imagine them both being put together! Kung Rai Cho, the master of the spinning-at-dangerously-high-speeds-and-showering-everyone-in-vomit technique! Admittedly, that would be infinitely less cool that Kung Lao's standard spin, but it would gross his opponent out so he could throw his sick-covered hat drunkenly to one side and hit jack sh*t before performing half of the whirlwind kicks before passing out and sleeping for the rest of the match, farting the whole time. Actually, on second thought, that's a horrible idea, no wonder it hasn't happened yet, though someone should totally take that idea and do something with it, because that could be comedy gold. But back on track, Kung Lao's spin is pretty dangerous, and can do anything from smacking you up into the air to acting like a bladed tornado turning you into freshly minced kombatant meat, which would really suck considering that there are so many better ways to go. But then again, you're basically being killed by someone who could maybe definitely be Jesus probably.

 _ **Number 4:**_

 _Second best Houdini impression ever? Kung Lao's Teleport._

OK, so to get the gist of this, I absolutely must attempt to type up the noise the teleport makes, which goes something like VOOOWHHAAAH or FUU-WAH, FUU-WAH depending on whether he does his kinda useless second teleport or not. From the teleport, he can kick you with one foot, two feet or bounce you off the ground like a rubber ball. He can also grab you by the shoulders and throw you with a sweet flip, if he feels like putting that much effort into beating the crap out of you. Either way, him going from the front to the back can be disorientating, unless you're Jesus or Kung Lao, since both of them never get disorientated. Coincidence? I think not. It's also kinda strange that this chapter has gone from a list of why Kung Lao isn't cool to me basically calling him Jesus, but hey, that's how it goes. Sometimes.

 _ **Number 5:**_

 _Kung Lao's Kung-fu? The fighting style of the shaolin._

So we all know that the shaolin do martial arts and super fly kicks and palm strikes and blah blah blah, nothing special. But there's something Kung Lao has over other kombatants. The Rolling Fist. Sure, it's not that useful, and hell, it doesn't even do that much damage, but it's the Rolling Fist, man! A super-quick flurry of punches, followed by either a last lunging strike to send you flying or a quick swipe of the ever-awesome hat. Kung Lao can also do the most cheesy, impractical, typical martial arts movie attack ever. _**THE SLOW-MO MARTIAL ARTS PALM STRIKE.**_ And yes, it was worthy of all that emphasis. You know how it goes - take a stance, slow charge up, shake the fist aaand... BAM! The enemy goes flying and everyone except them goes home with a smile. Especially Kung Lao. Kung Lao is boss, and Kung Lao can part the waves and cast miracles like turning water into wine. Now, I'm not saying he's Jesus or anything, but...

And there you have it. 5 tips for dealing with Kung Lao. Thus ends this chapter of the "Earthrealm Warriors" section of the survival guide.

* * *

Ok, hope you enjoyed the chapter! Blah blah blah, ending paragraph bit, blah blah, got nothing to say, blah blah blah, have a good one!


End file.
